Welcome to my blog.
I’ve called it Melancholia which means ‘a feeling of deep sadness’. Why? Because I feel that what I experience is melancholia – this ache that permeates every thing and has done for all of my life.
Yes, I have depression and social anxiety. I have dark thoughts that intrude in my life daily and it has been a struggle to keep from giving in to them. I realise how lucky I am, I am high functioning so no one knows. I have a job, a home and a family that loves me and yet, and yet … there it is, always hovering just out of reach, this one thing that stops me from being able to feel anything but sadness.
I am writing this blog as a space to share, to get my thoughts out of my head and out into the ether, to see if there are others like me. I feel that I have landed here in this form but was not given the manual for how to move through this life. I find myself always looking on
It won’t all be doom and gloom, I have lighter moments that I would like to share also but I live in the shadows, on the edge, peeking out from a deep dark cave, wondering why I am here and what I am supposed to be doing.
Spring is here and as I saw this beautiful purple crocus push its way out of the cold earth in the park the other day I realise that maybe all we can do is keep pushing and growing, no matter the obstacles in our way.
I’ll be sharing my thoughts and ideas and worries about the world so there will probably be ire and anger, and possibly profanities too.
I will be talking about my ideas on things that work for me as well as things that don’t and I’ll be talking too about fluffy stuff like my equally anxious dog, hiding away in my little retreat, books, poetry, and everyday things.
I hope you will come along with me as I try to figure this all out. I look forward to sharing more with you.