Peace

Some time ago I was on a retreat in Glendalough, one of the most beautiful and ancient sites of Ireland.

For some reason during this retreat words were tumbling out of me, I felt an urgency to stop and write them down.  These words were written on the backs of receipts, tissues anything. Eventually I bought a mini notebook and they just kept pouring through me.

I don’t know if you would call them poems but they seem to come in that format, short staccato sentences, not long ideas for writing.  I took them down as best I could and I’ll share them here occasionally.

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Getting out of the damn house – with depression and social anxiety.

The worst part of dealing with depression and social anxiety, particularly when no-one knows you have it – trying to just get out of the damn house.

You don’t wake up delighted to greet the day and see what it has in store for you. You tend to lie there, eyes closed, putting off the inevitable for as long as possible.

The depression calls to you – ‘stay here, where it is safe, snuggle under this duvet, leave the blinds down and stay in the darkness with me’. It hugs you and holds you.

The thought of leaving the house brings on a feeling of absolute terror. You logically know that there is nothing really to fear out there, you don’t live in a war zone or troubled area.  But your body does not.

Continue reading “Getting out of the damn house – with depression and social anxiety.”

Starting off

A little introduction to say hi …

Welcome to my blog.

I’ve called it Melancholia which means ‘a feeling of deep sadness’. Why? Because I feel that what I experience is melancholia – this ache that permeates every thing and has done for all of my life.

Yes, I have depression and social anxiety. I have dark thoughts that intrude in my life daily and it has been a struggle to keep from giving in to them.  I realise how lucky I am, I am high functioning so no one knows.  I have a job, a home and a family that loves me and yet, and yet … there it is, always hovering just out of reach, this one thing that stops me from being able to feel anything but sadness.

Continue reading “Starting off”